And so I’ve finally changed my blogskin. =) It was one of the nights when you just refused to do anything you knew you should. In addition, I stayed up really late just to read my 2004/05 entries and reminisce on my past.

Nothing glorious though.

I couldn’t help but to burst into laughter at some of the silly things I wrote and did. And that was about 4.30am. It’s probably good to look back once a in blue moon and reflect on the changes we’ve made in our lives, be it good or bad. Oh and I found a long-lost song which I wrote and forgot about. I like the lyrics! =)))

That aside, my days have been rather low recently. I could probably attribute that to my sickness which is impeding me in some ways. Many times I’m too drowsy to focus  for long and it takes a lot out of me just to study or practise.

I realise I have been whining a lot more to my instruments and that should never be within the earshot of anyone, for obvious reasons.  It’s just meaningless sounds of frustration, not that they serve any purpose though… =/

I was just practising my current orchestra piece on the cello and at the end of my practice, I realised I was hearing my conductor’s voice throughout. Him telling me how it should be played when I reached a certain bar and him counting “1… 2… 3… 4…”.

What happened was, I was slightly late for the recent rehearsal and there happened to be no other cellist. So the moment I entered the room, I felt like turning 180 degrees and go right back home. I mean… Dvorak No. 8?!?! It has so many solo cello parts!!! How am I going to survive. =(((

Flashbacks of previous experiences revived and haunted me for a while. I thought of the time when I was singled out to play some bars because of some mistakes. Then I was just an amateur and noob (and sadly still is) to this whole cello/orchestra thing. Needless to say, I was traumatised and rejected the cello for a period of time. I even refrained myself from looking at it every time I walked past it at home.

So anyway, my conductor was really relieved that I was there, I mean at least there was a cello, though in my mind I was like “Omgomgomgomg”. Well, the whole rehearsal didn’t turn out as bad as I had thought it would be. My conductor was very kind to have guided me throughout (probably knowing how stressed I was) and encouraged me every time I played correctly. I’m fortunate in a sense he is also a cellist. =)

I couldn’t ask more. He’s the best conductor I’ve come across. Other conductors might have screamed at me, torn my score, or chased me out. Maybe. Ha.

Albeit surviving through the rehearsal, I broke down when I reached home. The pressure was a tad too intense for me. I did not play up to my own expectation, the orchestra had to repeat some parts because of me and I couldn’t catch up at some parts.

In the midst of crying, I text my conductor to thank him for that night. And he commented that I have improved loads and he could hear my improvement. =) That meant a lot to me, though I couldn’t help feeling sad.

I think it was quite an achievement tonight to even take out the score and practise it, ignoring what happened and determining to get it right. Well, there’s no point brooding over it since  eventually I still need to practise and get it right. As right as I can…

I just have to say it again, I’m very very thankful for my conductor, it could have been a lot worse.